“Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown, and Jill came tumbling after.”
Oh the irony of life! As a child, I thought, “Poor kids! What a fall!” I’m certainly not imagining that this could ever be me. But it does happen to me folks, and I’ll tell you, in real life, “OUCH!!!” Don’t worry though, I’ve got no lingering scars and when I tell the story in person everyone gets a great laugh. Recently, I’ve begun to re-frame that particular fall (yup, there’ve been more!) into a metaphor for hitting rock bottoms in life. I’ll explain that in a minute but first, the fall.
I was maybe around 10 years old, tall and lanky. School was dismissed. I’m heading to the taxi stand to catch a ride home when I trip over my own legs…at the apex of a hill! Well, the hill itself was more so a series of steep declines broken up by small plateaus. So imagine something along the lines of a ramp then a landing, then a ramp then a landing, and so forth. I had tripped at the top of one of the many declines somewhere in the middle of the hill. Check out my awesome rendition of said hill in the photo above.
Any who, I go head over heels; my school uniform is helter-skelter, and for all I could remember, I’m probably trying to form myself into a tuck and roll, you know, the kind Bruce Willis aces when he jumps out of a moving truck! Mine—EPIC FAIL. My fall is at best ungracious! At its worse, well…I played possum when I stopped rolling because I didn’t know how I was going to ‘yippie-kay-yay’ this moment. It was then I heard a female witness shout in sheer panic, “Oh God she dead!” I’m not sure which stung more—the physical pain or the social embarrassment! Like I said, I laugh now. Here’s a close up of me mid-fall!
Now, the metaphor
The chronic stress of my late twenties and early thirties was very much like a much longer version of this fall. Imagine walking down this hill for the first time, in the pitch of night. You’d feel the declines then the leveling offs, but you’d be blind the entire way down. You’d probably trip and fall, bust open a knee, scrape your face; it would be a mess. If you were lucky, the moon might pop out ever so often and you might glimpse a bit of the way. Other than that though, you’d never know when a plateau signaled the end of your journey. In fact, you’d have no clue if the hill ever ended!
I can’t tell you how many times during this period I thought I’d reached my last plateau and finally hit my rock bottom. At times, I’d ‘walk’ down this hill, while in other moments I’d ‘fall’ right down and roll! I’d think that the moment I was in could not be any worse, could not get any sadder, or more disappointing, or more frustrating or more angering or more hopeless! Then I’d acclimatize to the situation and what’d you know, another tumble down the hill.
I’m used to hearing “…and that’s when I hit rock bottom!” So in my mind I’m imaging that definitive moment when a person says something like, “Whoa, the horse goes in front of the cart doesn’t it? I can’t even remember shoving the horse unto the cart in the first place! Why is the bit in my mouth and, wait, are those my pants it’s wearing?! I think this is a good place for me to pause and reassess my life.” Boom! The quintessential life changing moment.
It wasn’t a big moment that stopped my falling. You see, I’d gotten quite adept at ‘making the best of a bad situation’ aka acclimatizing. I got to know a different side of me. I found out that quite a few of my “I’d never do XYZs” were highly contextual!
It was in this grey space that I began to doubt key aspects of my character and sense of self. Hey, these were the first instances that life truly challenged my ideals. What was my self-worth then if I just kept chipping away at them? Looking back, I never considered that in those moments my ideals were being refined. Nope! Instead, I believed I was losing myself! I saw myself hitting one rock bottom after the next. A key aspect of my acclimatization was mastering compartmentalizing my life. I was managing but as what cost?
I am curious. At what point does resilience become a liability?
For me, I had to decide that I just wanted to stop tumbling. I was becoming increasingly useless to myself and loved ones. I could not afford to wait on a sign. It was on me to make my current rock bottom my last! The fear and acknowledgement that there would definitely be more rock bottoms in my future pushed me into action. I didn’t feel courageous. Rather, I felt desperate.
Guys, I throw out yet another question. “Is it worth waiting for the sign?” I’ve been privy to such utterances as, “Well, if so-and-so does this, then now I can find the strength to act.” More often than not, that’s easier said than done.
How did I know when enough was enough in the absence of a definitive sign?
- I felt like I was going out of my mind! Practically every waking thought and dreaming state was consumed by my problems
- I was in a constant state of anxiety. There was that feeling of constant tension in my core, starting from my chest all the way to the pit of my stomach
- I lost my appetite! That’s a no-no for me!
- I was chasing sleep
- I had a pervading sense of hopelessness and desperation for my future
- I was afraid I was being a sucky role model for my daughter
These were the main ones. Truth? It’s still a trip–pun intended. But hey, if the fall doesn’t kill me (literally and figuratively), then there’s always hope!
Thanks for reading!
Sincerely,
Olanta
Photos by Olanta Chandler; © 2016-2018 Just Me, Maybe You ALL RIGHTS RESERVED