In Living with Anxiety, part one, I introduced you to my anxiety. It’s probably not that different from others. That’s why in this post, I’ll be looking more closely at how it expresses itself in my life. I’ll start with this question:
Can anxiety ever be useful to us?
I say “yes”. Imagine a warning system that alerts us of some unsettled state within us. Anxiety is that system. We become unsettled for many reasons, not all of them bad. Sometimes anxiety can be that nagging feeling pushing us towards some unfulfilled desire or goal. I know we’re certainly not meant to get stuck in this state nor are we to rely on it as our sole or even primary means of mental and emotional navigation!
I am one of many who has gotten stuck in anxiety more times than I liked. I’ve had legitimate concerns that have morphed into uncontrollable Bridezillas! They wanted what they wanted when they wanted it. And talk about the ego on them? Ha! Slap on a skewed blonde wig, spray them glow-in-the-dark-orange and call them Donald Trump! My anxiety had to be front and center of its fear-mongering existence.
I managed for a long time without labeling what I was experiencing. Hitting a series of rock bottoms forced me to face how out-of-control my situation had become. My warning system was broken and it was stuck on high alert, you know, the kind that’s reserved for Armageddon, or a Game of Thrones cancellation before winter actually comes!
The indications of anxiety soon became apparent. They were pervasive in my life and once I identified them, I was able categorize them as physical, mental/emotional and spiritual ‘symptoms’. Some of these overlapped into at least one or more groups but in general, here are the main players:
Physical
- You know that feeling you get in your stomach when you crest the apex then plunge into the depths of a rollercoaster? Experiencing this feeling if I ever met Jason Mamoa…positive. Waking up with a vague feeling of dread, or having a great day thrown off balance by out of the blue stomach drops with no apparent causes…um, I’ll pass on that
- Once I started paying attention, I realized that I would be clenching my teeth a lot. My breathing would be shallower. These were subtler signs of tension
- My appetite died
- Sleep was elusive, and when caught, was fragmented
- I became more susceptible to colds and even triggered a chronic health issue
Mental/Emotional
- My brain would go on never-ending hunts to figure out what was causing the physical changes. I mean, why sound the alarm if nothing was wrong?
- Enter worry and ruminating. If I happened to be focusing on a particular issue, trust that practically every living and sometimes even sleeping moment was plagued by my unrelenting ‘attention’ to that problem. I would think about how I would handle it in the future, or how I should have handled it in the past over and over and over…
- I would eventually feel like I was losing my mind
- I’d cry more
- I existed in a yo-yo state of hopelessness and hopefulness
Spiritual
- I’ll admit, it was trying to hold on to faith during these times. There were times I was absolutely sure that things would not get better. Fortunately, these moments were cyclical, but I had begun to notice that the recovery time between cycles started to get smaller and smaller
- My prayers were desperate, particularly as they lacked the faith needed to give them depth
- I did not feel like myself. I was burdened all the time. I had little to ground me
I wish I could say that I no longer experience any of the issues above. Things have become drastically better since I decided to prioritize taking care of me. My final post of the series will speak towards the management of my anxiety. I use multiple techniques and resources because as you can see, my anxiety manifests itself in various ways across several areas in my life. Most importantly, I know that time is the ultimate healer. Learning to be patient during this process it key to getting my mind right to help me to pursue progress in my life.
What are some of the symptoms not listed here that you experience? Which ones that I wrote about resonated with you? Please share!
Best,
Olanta
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