Career Implosion

When even doing the right things, at the right times fails

At age 20, I felt solid in my decision to become a Psychologist.  The skepticism of my mother probably added fuel to my fire.  In case you didn’t know, I was a late bloomer to rebellion.  I knew it was the practicality of her West Indian heritage talking.  She was a nurse, and yes like the Headleys, she had more than one job!  My mother had suggested many times that I too should go into nursing; to her, it just made for better sense and business.  I got as far as being a Certified Nurse’s Aide, but that’s another conversation.

I graduated summa cum laude and jumped right into a PhD Developmental program with somewhat less enthusiasm as my BA.  I’ve mentioned before that I should have gone the Master’s route but, hey all my friends were doing it and succeeding, so who was I? Again, another story for another day.

By 35 though, I’d already abandoned that decision. The short version of why? Earning a PhD alone requires passion, commitment and hustle.  Earning anything takes at minimum these three qualities.  Unfortunately though, I’d fallen out of love with Psychology and couldn’t muster the wherewithal to build a life around it.  Fifteen years were committed to this one endeavor.   And when I turned to my back-up plan of going into nursing (hey I wasn’t that stubborn)?  Well apparently over the years, I’d progressively developed strong aversions to gaping wounds, blood, and viewing pain. I essentially was left with nothing.

So here I was stranded career-wise in my mid-30s.  I didn’t have a lick of a clue what the next steps were. I was really feeling pressured to get my S*** together, fast!  And of course life didn’t just wait for me.  My husband was part-time and in school.  I’d not too long had a baby.  Twice I was affected by cuts in research funding.  I felt time slipping away.  I’d also started feeling frustrated because I knew I had particularly great and marketable skills but I just didn’t know how to parlay them into a career.

My response was to become stagnant, so to speak. I couldn’t shift my focus long enough from ruminations of the supposed waste of the last 15 years.  I was anxious about it all the time and tried not to think about it.  Occasionally, I’d make the attempt to fix it, which sadly looked something like this:

  • What do I want to be?  I don’t know
  • What am I good at?  Hmm, so many different things…I can’t pick one
  • What are my interests?  Yup, I’ll have to answer too many to count
  • What’s going to make me happy and/or bring me money? Again, can’t pick one.
  • OK…you know you’re not getting any younger right?  Ugh, be quiet!

At times I would wake up with the conviction that I’d finally decided on one field or another.  It was probably the desperation kicking in.  I would chase an interest but lose fire soon after.  I don’t think people took me seriously after a while and I was losing significant confidence in myself and my future.

I lost my job in the second budget cut in the latter part of those 15 years. So if you’re keeping score, it’s:

  1. No primary career
  2. No back-up career
  3. No way-stop job     

All of this occurred during the stage of my life when I was supposed to be getting ready to kick my career game plan into high gear. Was it time to panic yet?

Stay tuned!

Thank you for reading.  What’s your take on unwanted career plot twists?  Please comment below.

Sincerely,

Olanta.

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2 thoughts on “Career Implosion”

  1. Thank you, Olanta, for a very well-written post on a topic that I think many people struggle with. For what it’s worth, I think that you are great at what you do now and I really enjoy working with you!

    1. Thank you! I feel the same! My next post on Sunday will address how I’ve been working to break free from this rut. Thank you again for reading!

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